IF ONLY I KNEW

Glad I took a pic of my pretty flowers since they were smashed by the wind and rain storm the other day. oh well, par for the course. I hate that in all the uncertainty of life I know two things for certain... God is my Lord, and my dad is no longer with me. It's like I get slapped in the face with the latter daily. Everytime I feel as though there is some kind of closure, there's another hurdle to face.
I have some really great friends who have dealt with my tears so much. I have some great friends who will support me and say Heather it's only been 4 months. When I "feel" like others are saying it's been 4 months! Oh God, I miss my dad so much. There's a football game this Friday and I can hear my dad getting all the police officers together to work security for the game. I can hear him telling us what all the hooligans did at the game and how he enjoyed throwing them out of the games. I can see him sitting at the dining room table after a game, after EVERYONE left the stadium, he would go to Burger King or McDonalds and get dinner. I loved being in high school and going to out of town games and having my dad there. I ALWAYS felt safe. I was always proud to have my dad around...ok so maybe not at the middle school dances or high school prom, but you get the picture. I wish Capt Beauford all the best as he seeks to fill some hefty shoes.
I was taking my stuff out of the entertainment center that belongs to my soon to be ex roommate. I found a book I knew I had but forgot about. It's called If Only I knew. Can you imagine what it's about. Ive had it for a couple of years. Its a pretty book. The caption with the title is "Gentle reminders to help you treasure the people in your life". Well, I attempted to read it last night and sobbed. I guess I am telling you this because I want everyone to love their family and friends every second they can. My advice that I always give to friends getting married is never go to bed angry. ( I know Im not married, but I learned it from my pastor.) Here's a couple of pages from the book to help you understand.
If Only I knew I would not hear your voice again, I would cherish every word...every inflection of your voice...with all my heart. If only I knew this was our last hug, I would hold you tight and hope to never let you go. If only I knew I had the chance top pray with you one more time, I would take your hands and welcome God's presence to surround us. If only I knew that even when everything in my life seems to go wrong and comes crumbling down around me, even when my heart is broken, God has promised to always be with me. If only I knew tomorrow was not coming, i would ask you to please forgive me of any wrongs I may have done to you. If only I knew that grief and heartache could be so deep and devastating, I would have been there more often for others.
I hate that there are other people who have had to deal with the same pain I face. I hate the grief. I hate what it does to me. I had a client who I called a friend who passed away suddenly around last Thanksgiving. I read one of his daughter's blogs tonight. She talked about all the same things I feel and have felt and will probably feel. The main ones being a loss of our "rock" and the ability for new people in your life to ever know how great our dad was. It's probably what triggered this post. I am human. I cant be sally sunshine all the time. (yes i know i havent truly been sally sunshine in a while) I just really miss my dad. I know he didnt have all the answers and I know he couldnt have solved all my problems or kept me safe 100% of the time or even loved me completely unconditionally all of the time. I know my Heavenly Father can do all those things. But Commander Bill Butler was my dad. I wont ever stop missing him or thinking about him.