THANKS KATE & EMILY

My cousin Kate and I met for dinner in Moultrie last night. It was so nice to see another member of my huge family that I usually only see on holidays. She was a great dose of sanity for me and I think she enjoyed getting out of the house for a while. She told me about a book she read by Elizabeth Elliot who has had her share of heartaches. I think I'm gonna go get it today, so be looking forward to hearing about that. I was so glad I could be real with her and her be real with me. I even held it together until the end of our dinner! Thanks Kate for loving me and for spending time with me. (the first pic is me and Kate in early April and the second me and Emily at Garrett's wedding)

On another note: Emily Tillman sent me the sweetest email the other day and it was very helpful. I thought some of you might be able to learn from the analogy. "Life is like an onion, you peel off one layer at a time and cry a little along the way" this time in your life is one of your layers, soon something else will come along and another layer will need to come off, which will make the last one a little easier.

I am trying to get better. I am trying to trust God's plan and choosing to embrace His unconditional love. Here's another example of how I feel: I have seen in several cards, emails, and booklets these verses: Matt.7: 7-8 Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Matthew 21:22 And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

When I see those verses and ones like them my initial reaction is that's not true. I can't ask for my father back and get him back. I can't ask for one more hug or I love you or special occassion for my dad to send me flowers(we had a deal that until I got married he had to send me flowers, but I think he would have done it anyways). I am trying to peel off the layer of extreme pain from loss and loneliness. (not quite there yet) However, I do know deep down that those verses are true. God has guided me and given me things that I definitely don't deserve. I am so fortunate to have a family that loves and supports me. I know I was blessed to have my dad for 26 years. I know God guided my path to massage therapy even when some didnt believe it was the right choice. (I have had my own business since I was 24 and I'm about to be 27) My dad was around to see me "make it" with my business and buy my first home. He was around to see his son marry, to have another beautiful Heather, and to love his two precious granddaughters. So I do know God is faithful and He has a plan. I am just using those verses now as a crutch to say Please God take this pain and loneliness away from me. I am asking that you pray that too.

ROLLERCOASTER

So, yesterday was father's day and it was NOT a good day. Emily and I went to Atlantic Beach in Jacksonville for the weekend. I just wanted to get away. I did not want to go to church where all the happy families were. I did not want to go out to eat where all the happy families were. I have tried to avoid malls or stores specifically because I knew there would be father's day signs up which to my heart was like a flashing neon sign saying, you dont have a father anymore. I did pretty well on Saturday. We went to the St John's Towncenter and went shopping and went to eat at the cheesecake factory. We made it to the beach and enjoyed the crashing ocean waves and the warm sun. We made it back up to the beautiful hotel room and started to get ready for dinner. Well, Emily did and I laid on the bed thinking how I wanted to stay curled up in that ball forever. That's when I thought of a rollercoaster. One minute you are having fun and enjoying the loops and spins and the next minute you are terrified or screaming or crying or hurting(if its an old rickety wooden coaster). One minute I am fine and able to enjoy life and the next minute all I can think about is how my dad is gone and the pain and tears flood to the surface. Sometimes I dont even have to think about him. I just get sad all of a sudden. We watched The Notebook on tv after dinner and then went to the beach for a late night stroll. I wanted to look up at the stars and tell my dad I love him. I wanted to hear the ocean and feel the sand- all God's magnificant creations and know that He was with me and "would never leave me or forsake me". I cried God please help me. I collected myself and we turned to head back to the hotel. We saw the most random thing, a wedding was being held on the beach at midnight with the 30 guests holding lanterns. Me and my nosey self wanted to get closer to see what in the world was it all about. It was over quickly with a couple of whoops and hollars and I was distracted enough to go to bed.

On sunday, Father's Day, we woke up late and had quite enjoyed sleeping in. We headed off to Krispy Kreme! Then out to the beach to soak up the sun. We rented the fabulous wooden lounge chairs with cushy padding and were set. One minute the sun was shining and the next, the clouds had rolled in, the lifeguards were blowing their whistles and the rain came down. I was determined to ride it out. I was determined to not go back to Valdosta and to have a "good" day inspite of my pain and sorrow. Nope! The rain didnt stop. I cried standing at the pool gate. Emily tried to comfort me the best she could. She is a great friend. We grabbed our things and headed for the car. I cried as I drove in the pouring rain in Jacksonville. You know its raining bad when Jacksonville drivers are going 30 and below. I think I even scared Emily driving and crying. Once we got to the interstate, the rain stopped, but my tears kept flowing. I would never get to have that special day with my dad ever again. I will never be able to show him how much I love him or honor him. All these things that I long for, I will never get...and it makes me sad. I understand why the people in the old testament tore their sackcloths...they were heartbroken. Brooke even got to witness my rollercoaster emotions when she called me I needed to call her back. When I did, I was full blown crying. I really appreciate all the people who called, emailed, or text me this weekend. All I can really say is I know who my Heavenly Father is and I know what He is capable of. I know that I will be sad for a while like Job when he sat sad for seven days and his friends sat with him. I ask that you pray for me and my family. I've made it through another day and I couldnt have done that without God. I can't imagine how people deal with loss without God. You would be signing me up for a permanent room at Greenleaf. I'm leaving you with the words from a song from Barlow Girl called Stand in the Rain...I thought it fit. I tried to find it on you tube but couldnt. "stand in the rain stand your ground stand up when it's all crashing down stand through the pain you wont drown and one day waht's lost will be found you stand in the rain"

BONNIE'S BIG DAY

the wedding...

the bridesmaids luncheon
the rehearsal dinner

the lingerie shower...can't show you anymore! the couples shower

My friend Bonnie Soper got married to Nathan Johnson on Sat June 7th, 2008. These are some pictures from her events. I hope you enjoy.

MY SCARS

A scar by its very definition implies healing.

My heart is very scarred right now. It aches. It is selfish. It wants things to be "normal". It longs for relief. It cries out to my Holy and Just God for help. I do know that God can heal my scars and fill the void of the loss of my father. I know that for some reason I am going through this trial. My mother finally admitted to her pain the other day and I felt as if things were "moving along" for lack of better words. Although today as Father's Day is approaching quickly I can say I am not doing well. I have already "lost it" twice this morning. My poor friend/business partner Emily never knows what to expect when she walks in the door. She has been so supportive though. We are going to my favorite place this weekend, the beach. Grief stinks. I can be "perfectly fine" one minute and crying sobs the next. I knew the milestones would be hard, but today's only Friday. Good grief! Wow, that's an oxymoron I never thought about.
Psalm 107:2 says Let the redeemed of the Lord say so. I never thought that would mean sharing my pain and hurt. I never thought I would be in the club...the loss of a loved one club. I couldnt believe the amount of people who had been through a loss that were in my close circle of friends and are now helping me go through it. What would happen if we all took our pain, hurt, worry, fear and helped each other heal? What would happen if we stopped caring about the petty and TRIVIAL things and started doing God's work which INCLUDES ministering to one another. The statement about you never know what someone on the same pew as you(at church) is going through, is do TRUE. I mean I never thought this verse was a big deal but now I want to scream it from the rooftops...psalm 146:9 The Lord watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widow; But the way of the wicked He turns upside down. and James 1:27 Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit the orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. I may be using these out of their true context or maybe not. In my pain, my head has not been too clear. I wish my scars would go away sooner than later. I am tired of hurting and having to explain to people that yes I am still hurting. However, if God is going to use this for His good, I will continue on. Please pray for me as much as He brings me to your mind this weekend.

MY BEAUTIFUL NIECES

Ella Grace and Emma have helped me get through many bad days, even though they dont know it. I am so thankful God had them in His plan. These pictures were taken on my Aunt Susies birthday. They were looking at us through the kitchen window and even giving us kisses. You shouldve seen the glass afterwards...oops. I'll have to get some off of my aunts camera that included me, but for now enjoy these. I love them so much.

THE PERFECT STORM

This is from my devotional this morning. I wanted to share it with you all. I hope you understand that even though I may be crying or seeming hopeless when I blog, I do know who holds tomorrow. I do know that God will not give me more than I can bear(even though somedays I think he thinks I am stronger than I am). So let me reassure you that even though I am venting, I have a Heavenly Father who will take care of me and one day I will be reunited with my earthly Father.

(I have a friend who does quite a bit of sailing, so I asked him if he had ever been caught in a bad storm. "Many times!" he said. Unbelievable! I had to ask, "Then why on earth do you keep sailing?" His answer was profound. "Mary, every sailor knows that there will be storms. The trick is to learn how to respond to the storm. In a fierce storm, there is only one thing to do and only one way to survive. You have to put the ship in a certain position and keep her there."
The same is true for the believer. When the storms of life overwhelm us, there is only one thing to do. We must place ourselves in the comfort of God and He will keep us there until the storm is past. Yes, God's comfort is faithful! What a great promise that every time we have trouble He will be there with comfort! The faithful and consistent comfort of God depends upon nothing but the character and heart of God)

This song, Praise You In This Storm, by Casting Crowns has been a blessing to me. It's amazing how words can touch whoever, whenever. I'm trying to figure out how to post it on here for you, until then here's the website address... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

FLOWERS TO MAKE ME SMILE

So I thought I'd lighten things up a bit and put some pics up. These are some of the flowers I received at my house and office over the past two months. I am grateful for each bouquet as they do brighten my day. Thanks to all who sent them!