So, yesterday was father's day and it was NOT a good day. Emily and I went to Atlantic Beach in Jacksonville for the weekend. I just wanted to get away. I did not want to go to church where all the happy families were. I did not want to go out to eat where all the happy families were. I have tried to avoid malls or stores specifically because I knew there would be father's day signs up which to my heart was like a flashing neon sign saying, you dont have a father anymore. I did pretty well on Saturday. We went to the St John's Towncenter and went shopping and went to eat at the cheesecake factory. We made it to the beach and enjoyed the crashing ocean waves and the warm sun. We made it back up to the beautiful hotel room and started to get ready for dinner. Well, Emily did and I laid on the bed thinking how I wanted to stay curled up in that ball forever. That's when I thought of a rollercoaster. One minute you are having fun and enjoying the loops and spins and the next minute you are terrified or screaming or crying or hurting(if its an old rickety wooden coaster). One minute I am fine and able to enjoy life and the next minute all I can think about is how my dad is gone and the pain and tears flood to the surface. Sometimes I dont even have to think about him. I just get sad all of a sudden. We watched The Notebook on tv after dinner and then went to the beach for a late night stroll. I wanted to look up at the stars and tell my dad I love him. I wanted to hear the ocean and feel the sand- all God's magnificant creations and know that He was with me and "would never leave me or forsake me". I cried God please help me. I collected myself and we turned to head back to the hotel. We saw the most random thing, a wedding was being held on the beach at midnight with the 30 guests holding lanterns. Me and my nosey self wanted to get closer to see what in the world was it all about. It was over quickly with a couple of whoops and hollars and I was distracted enough to go to bed.

On sunday, Father's Day, we woke up late and had quite enjoyed sleeping in. We headed off to Krispy Kreme! Then out to the beach to soak up the sun. We rented the fabulous wooden lounge chairs with cushy padding and were set. One minute the sun was shining and the next, the clouds had rolled in, the lifeguards were blowing their whistles and the rain came down. I was determined to ride it out. I was determined to not go back to Valdosta and to have a "good" day inspite of my pain and sorrow. Nope! The rain didnt stop. I cried standing at the pool gate. Emily tried to comfort me the best she could. She is a great friend. We grabbed our things and headed for the car. I cried as I drove in the pouring rain in Jacksonville. You know its raining bad when Jacksonville drivers are going 30 and below. I think I even scared Emily driving and crying. Once we got to the interstate, the rain stopped, but my tears kept flowing. I would never get to have that special day with my dad ever again. I will never be able to show him how much I love him or honor him. All these things that I long for, I will never get...and it makes me sad. I understand why the people in the old testament tore their sackcloths...they were heartbroken. Brooke even got to witness my rollercoaster emotions when she called me I needed to call her back. When I did, I was full blown crying. I really appreciate all the people who called, emailed, or text me this weekend. All I can really say is I know who my Heavenly Father is and I know what He is capable of. I know that I will be sad for a while like Job when he sat sad for seven days and his friends sat with him. I ask that you pray for me and my family. I've made it through another day and I couldnt have done that without God. I can't imagine how people deal with loss without God. You would be signing me up for a permanent room at Greenleaf. I'm leaving you with the words from a song from Barlow Girl called Stand in the Rain...I thought it fit. I tried to find it on you tube but couldnt. "stand in the rain stand your ground stand up when it's all crashing down stand through the pain you wont drown and one day waht's lost will be found you stand in the rain"

1 comment:

Lisa Lee said...

You must have been at the SAME amusement park I was at, matter of fact on the same roller coaster!!! I can offer you some comfort here honey. Three years out, the time between the "rides" gets longer, and the crying spells shorter. That's because the sweet memories come over you like the smell of spring and begin to brighten your day. This is called healing. You too my sweet girl will experience it, and get God's time. Hang in there, know I am only a phone call away, ....and I am there with you :)) love you, lulu