I'M TIRED OF...
1. crying myself to sleep. Last night I was watching Iron Chef America and The Next Food Network Star and all I could think about were all the reality shows dad and I watched including these. When I bought my house and moved out, I would call during commercials and we would chat about what was going on with the shows and who we thought would win. Now I know you are thinking, those are good memories...and they are, but they make me miss him terribly. I was watching Denise Richards show(a little trashy, I know) last night and it was mostly about her dealing with the death of her mom to cancer last November. She shared a lot about how she felt, how sad she was, how much she missed her mom, how she had to call her dad for things now that she used to call her mom for, how she felt cheated for her loss and how her girls were cheated in the death of their grandma and how she has insomnia(the one symptom I only occassionally have). I relate to it all. I thought to myself, it doesnt matter what age you are or what stage of life you are in when you lose a parent, it still sucks for everyone. I cried as her little girls called their grandma their angel now. I cried for Ella Grace and Emma. I miss my dad.
2. hearing about how time will help. How do you deal until you get to that point? I know years down the road I will be able to say to people that Heaven is sweeter knowing I will have a precious reunion. I am happy now that my dad is not in any pain. He's not taking blood pressure and cholesterol, and heart, and whatever other tons of medications he was on. But even though I accept that he is in a better place, I still miss him now. That's what I need people to understand. I miss him. Time...whatever. I miss him. Yes, I made it through Father's day, but I have many other hurdles to jump with time. I know the amount of time we will spend in Heaven with Jesus will be so much longer than this span on this corrupted earth. I long for that day. My friend Jan told me the other day, "you will get through this, you are Bill Butler's daughter." So I will continue in his legacy. I will continue living because he would want me to. But that doesnt mean I wont cry or miss him...do you get the picture?
So, I guess I am just physically and emotionally drained and need some rest like only my Heavenly Father can give. Matthew 11:28-Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."