I have not blogged in two days about my feelings. I have kept them bottled except for when they came screaming out of my eyes. Now I can truly say I understand what stress can do to your body. I was angry at no one in particular, but just ready to be done working for the day. I was tired, it was sucking the life out of me while I was trying to keep the bad in. Physically my body revolted on me...poor sleep, aches in my body and pains in my heart and stomach. But I tried not to think of the hurt which meant subsequently not thinking about my dad. I've had chatty clients so I haven't had the piercing silence to deal with except at night. Oh the nighttime when my body says no more. No more niceness. No more doing for everyone else. Just doing for me. Blogging is free therapy. My cousin Whitney, who i dearly love said she just wishes she had advice for me, but all she can do is understand. I love her for the amazing strength she had and still has. I pray for strength and dedication like she has. I LOVE MY FAMILY!
So, I am reading a book from my friend Lisa called "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. He based the book out of his own journal he kept. He understands free therapy. He describes his grief from the loss of his wife who he knew had cancer when he married her. The foreward was written by Madeleine L'Engle and something she said struck me. She lost her husband of forty years. She says "He (C. S. Lewis) shows an impatience with those who try to pretend that death is unimportant for the believer, an impatience which most of us feel, no matter how strong our faith." I know my God. I know He has assured me of a hope and a future and that He is going to be my Sustainer, Prince of Peace, Redeemer and so on and so on. But I still grieve. C. S. Lewis makes it quite clear that the human being is allowed to grieve, that it is normal to grieve,and the Christian is not denied this normal response to loss. There's lots more good stuff, but I am tired and want to go to bed now. Trying to keep my feelings is unhealthy like they say. Just a reminder, if you have advice...great. If you don't, that's fine too. I am simply using this internet driven world as my very large pen and notepad. It's more for me to see my heart in print and know that I am normal. I love the comments and am thankful for each and everyone. ok now my ambien is really kicking in so...goodnight.