So the headstone was finally put into place and even then it took me a month to go out and see it. I sat on the ground and cried for a while and then a peace came over me. I knew he wasn't there, but I wasn't sure if I would somehow feel closer to him by being there. I just thought, this is what it is. A memorial to where his body was laid to rest. But thankfully, I know he is in Heaven with my Savior, singing with the angels. He isn't in pain and doesn't have to deal with any more of the corruptness of this world. Somehow, I feel that he can see the good things that happen to those he loves. (That may be wrong biblically, but that's how I feel.) But he won't ever miss us because there's no sadness in Heaven.
I went to see a counselor. I wasn't going to share this with anyone, but I am better because of it so I thought, why not? I only saw her twice, because my ins wouldn't pay for it, but she helped me realize all the things I was going to miss from my dad's death, I had to grieve over. It also helped that she was a complete outsider to me and my family. She told me the same thing everyone else has said, it will take time, it's okay to be sad, ect. I think just hearing it from her was a final lightbulb experience. So, I'm changing the name of the blog. I'm making steps to heal and going to take the time to do so.