ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

My friend Amanda sent me this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. " My father would pick me up and hold me high in the air. He dominated my life as long as he lived and was the love of my life for many years after he died."

COMMENT ABOUT TIME

I had to repeat what my cousin Kristy put as a comment to me, just incase you all don't read the comments. ( We hear all the time, "Time heals all wounds" when in reality, it doesn't. Time is not what heals our wounds...its what we do during that time that will heal us. Just some encouragement to keep fighting through this! We'll make it!)
Finally someone gets it. Time doesn't fix it. I am going to keep living my life because that is what my daddy would want me to do. That doesn't mean it is easy or that I can just be "peachy" all the time. I am a Christian. I know that God, my Heavenly Father is taking care of my earthly father now. I know that one day we will be reunited. I know that it is my obligation and joy as a Christian to do everything I can to share with others my beliefs. To allow them to see Christ in me. Well, just to let you know, Christ suffered on the cross. In Matthew, it says Jesus wept. So I think I am within my full rights as a Christian to take the time I need to heal. One day, I will be able to help someone else who has gone through a loss and you can bet that I will not turn from them. I will show them how Christ helped me through this with His words and the help and love from my friends and family.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

I've always liked fireworks. I remember one year in particular. I'm not sure why we decided to not go to the mall to see fireworks. However, I probably pitched a fit(imagine that) and dad decided to do the next best thing. Living on Iola, we were a street away from the American Legion. We walked there and sat on the front steps and watched the fireworks together. My dad was truly amazing. I keep waiting on some holiday or something that I can't link a good memory to him so that it can be a "normal" day for me and there's not. He was a great man!
Today I spent the most part of the day with my brother, sister in law, nieces, and my mom. Thanks to my great friends Ashley and Melanie for the use of their pool. Here's some pics of Papa's precious granddaughters.

TODAY

I don't wanna post today. I have had a bad day. Gloomy Gloria is here today and I'm sure you don't wanna hear her talk. I will say that part of it is just when I decide to try to focus on the "victories" (from my cousin Kate's blog) instead of all the bad things, I get bombarded. Now, I know how that works for Christians. Just when you are the strongest in your walk with Christ, a curveball comes flying out you at 100 miles per hour. Now, I understand that Satan and his demons will try everything to get you to "give up" on God. But that's not supposed to be how it is when you are grieving. I am supposed to get better with time. Each day is supposed to be better not worse. The quicksand is supposed to give way a little as I take a step towards healing. But not today! Sadness just kept flying on my plate. Well, I'm here to tell Satan that I am not going to give up on God. God is the only way I get out of bed each day. So stinking leave me alone Satan!!! Isaiah 40:29 says, "He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength." So I am going to rely on God's strength. I am going to allow Him to fight my battle. Please don't comment and say the verse about Him not giving us more than we can handle. I just read a quote by Mother Teresa that says,"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." That's how I feel today. I'm confused about who God thinks I am because I am sick of being sad. I want to look at a picture of my dad and not sob! I want to continue my life as he would want me to do. I just can't fathom the milestones without him. I know I need to let God be my daddy, but knowing it in my head and feeling that in my heart is not working out right now. Sorry this is all over the place. I am all over the place.

I will say thank you to Brooke and JoKaron for calling me today and loving on me.

HELD

The words are so powerful...ofcourse my favorite part is when she says "the sacred is torn from your life and you survive". I never understood what she meant when she wrote,"if hope is born of suffering" until I talked to my friend Devin tonight. Essentially it means this: we would have no hope if Christ hadnt sufferred on the cross for us. I read Boothe's blog. today and she spoke so brilliantly about hope and suffering referring to Job. Job 13:15 says, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him." With all that Job was facing, he still told his friends he would have hope,even if God killed him. He would trust that God would take care of him.
It's not our place to know God's plan or to even understand. Because if we understood, would we really have faith? Would we have any reason to live if this awful earthly world was all there is? Would I be crying every night, mourning the loss of my father if I knew that there was sunshine around the bend?(ok so i couldnt think of anything that would make me happy now other than having my dad back) Basically I have to put all my trust in Him in all circumstances and know that "when I can't trace hand,trust His heart"

THANKS TOMMY

A big pat on the back and some internet praise for my doctor, Tommy Hobby. I went for my cholesterol checkup today. A lovely little present both of my parents gave to me...bad cholesterol! (and the fact that I like bad food doesnt help either) Anyways, I had determined I was going to do just fine when I went to see him, knowing I havent seen him since the funeral and he's not just my doctor, but my friend. I was waiting patiently in the lobby and saw a 50 something woman bring in her 81 yr old father to see the doctor. No big deal. Well, they were sitting behind me and she was filling out his paperwork. She said now daddy isnt your birthday...? I just felt a ping. A few minutes later when I got into the room, I lost it. I cried and told my nurse/friend Leigh Ann what happened. Then I cried to Tommy. Now in reality I don't know that I wouldve been thrilled to take my daddy to the doctor at 81, but not having the opportunity sucks. He calmed me down and told me something so simple, but it finally made it through my thick skull(also something handed down from Bill Butler). He said nobody had the same relationship as you and your daddy did so no one will grieve for him the same way you are. That made sense. Everyday people say, everyone grieves differently, but that doesnt make me feel comfortable about the way I am handling it. It just makes me question myself even more. He also said he'd be worried about me if I wasnt grieving. Whew! I had a happy cry all the way back to work.

I THINK I GOT IT

I know grief is selfish. I know God is going to take care of me. Here's what else I've figured out. I think my grief will continue as long as there are things that I havent thought about yet. For instance, I totally lost it today thinking about my dad's cooking. He was so aggravating about it because he never used a recipe. He was a really good cook! He would take little old spaghetti and turn it into something you wanted to eat for 4 days straight...and it got better as the days went on. He could make the best lemon pound cake, it was so moist yet it had a crunchy sugary top. I even remember him trying out recipes from the Valdosta Daily Times' Cookbook before the contest would even take place. He had his standards that he would make to take to grandma's for the holidays. So when I realized today that no one cooks like my dad and I have no way of replicating anything he did, it upset me. That's when I thought...one day I will have cried over the loss of all the things I won't get to have with my dad or because of my dad or having to do with my dad. Then hopefully the memories will become sweet and precious. Until then, please bear with me. I miss him so much!