I didn't post yesterday although my heart was about to explode. I started this blog so I could get my feelings out and also to not have to be asked How are you doing? Lately, I've wondered what it says about me that I am not strong. I was reading a perfectly good book, which I will blog about later, and I came upon the chapter entitled "Dad" and I began to cry. It's not like I had any control over it, it just came out. I read a quote yesterday that I think fits: Lost love is still love. You can't see their smile or touch their face but when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory Becomes Your Partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn't.
Yesterday, Emily and I had a great day together decorating the office for Christmas and doing some shopping. And yet my heart was on the verge of explosion. (It didn't help that I watched Jack Frost last night where the dad dies and comes back a year later as a snowman. I guess it's too much to ask for my dad or my Heavenly Father to tell me in an audible voice that everything is gonna be okay.)
My friend Rebecca called me and was checking in. (She doesn't live in town, so she doesn't have to hear me whine as much.) She knows the holidays are going to be tough. She knows what I struggle with so she called to see how she could specifically pray for me. Well the flood gates just opened. Ever since the day I admitted I was lonely, my emotions have been working overtime. FYI-You will probably be hearing a lot about this since the preacher's series on courtship dating is tearing me up each Sunday for the next 4 Sundays! I do feel like my loneliness is a symptom of the loss of my dad. I NEVER imagined/knew how much security I found in him. I never thought I'd be 27 and still single either! I guess even though I did think about getting married while he was here, it didn't bother me to the point of breaking like I am today. I have all these verses that I have claimed for so long about being married. Gen 2:18-And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." God made Eve for Adam-pretty self explanatory. Psalm 37:4-Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. - I claim this one maybe a little too often. Now I'm thinking, Am I not delighting myself enough in God? If nothing else, this has brought me closer to you. I am seeking Your face, Your will, and even though this post may not sound like it, Your timing. I just don't understand why I would have such an overwhelming desire to be married and have children if that's not in Your plan! Eph 2 :10-For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. - I am trying to be open to God's design in my life. I know He allowed me to have my own business, to run in the way that would be pleasing to Him. I know He allowed me to buy my own house because my financial skills are not that great. I see how the compassion He has given me has allowed me to be a better person to others. I just wish He would take away the desire to be married if that's not in His will. 1 Corin 7:8-9 But I say to the unmarried and widows. It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. -Yep that's in the Bible. No I'm not burning with passion, but let's face it. I am human! My point is all the arrows are leading in one direction, but to what fruition? Then! Tonight my pastor talked about issues Families should discuss regarding courtship dating. It was a good sermon, don't get me wrong. However, I couldn't stop crying towards the end. He mentioned the verse that talks about leaving and cleaving in a marriage...I'm perfectly fine with that scenario. Until he pointed out that the man is the only one who leaves, the woman is given away by her family which is signified in the father giving his daughter's hand in marriage. He also said something about the boy asking the father for his blessing to marry his daughter. These are just things that are basic normal things, but they set my heart in a tailspin. I want so badly to be married (to the right person), to have a companion, for someone to love me unconditionally and for someone I can love unconditionally. I'm tired of having to ask different friends for comfort-trying to not ask the same ones over and over. I don't want to make anymore mistakes with guys. I don't want to kiss anymore frogs. (Yes I understand marriage is work and not a fairy tale.) Today, I am a little mad that God chose to take the only man I had away from me. (Yes, I also know there is a greater purpose and that nothing in life is fair.) This is just how I feel. I am on my knees begging God to help me.
I am going to bed saying Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.


lisa lee said...

today will be better than ARE making progress. some of us grieve longer than others, i am feeling you sweets!! it's been 4 years and i still wanna run away from holidays. know i love you and have a great day! lisa

KateVonGlahn said...

I love you. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I'm praying for you.

The Passing Lane said...

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish...Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you."
Psalms, 25:16-17, 20-21

I love this prayer. Thinking of you!

Hannah Hoffmann said...

I love that you're being so honest. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will pray for you.