EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD

There is so much I have wanted to say for so long. My dear sweet cousin even called me out on not sharing about "how I'm doing" lately. I've been hearing a lot about Joy lately. The difference between happiness and joy. The fact that Christ gives us joy. John 10:10 says I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly. Proverbs 15:15 says a cheerful heart has a continual feast. I have been trying to focus on words like these. My devotional this am talked about Joy healing-Proverbs 17:22 Joy makes us strong-Nehemiah 8:10. Last night at choir practice we sang the song, Oh What A Reason. Some of the words say He's the only reason I live, but oh what a reason There's nothing in this world worth living for it only brings you heartache and longing for more He's the only reason I live, but Oh what a reason. I have sung that song so many times and I do understand the moral of it. I feel like God is turning every page lately to show me Joy. However, the closer I get to the 1 year point, the more sadness and a sense of utter loss creep back in. I have been so busy lately as you can probably all tell and I understand how my mom chose to use her being busy as a defense mechanism to her grief. Mom, if you are reading this please know I love you and am not judging you on how you are dealing. I just understand it more now. I've made myself so busy that I quit dealing with my feelings and now they are coming at me with a vengence. So many people around me have been losing their parents. I have felt like God was telling me to try to help those people. I have done what I can. One day last week, I told God...ok, enough. I need a break. So He gave me a song! A new one that our choir is singing for Easter. It shouts the names of Jesus...Wonderful, Glorious, Holy and Righteous, Victorious, Conqueror ,Triumphant and Mighty, Healer, Deliverer, Shield and Defense, Strong Tower and My Best Friend , Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Soon Coming King, Alpha Omega, Lord Of Everything. I can't wait to sing it out to Him. I had been screaming it in my car until it broke me today. I cried like a baby thinking of all the great things God is to me. I am resting in His sweet loving arms today. I want to have that Pure Joy exude from me! I just need to find the balance between missing my dad and serving my King. I know this post is kind of all over the place. I don't even want to read it back to myself for that reason. It is what it is. This is how I feel. Please pray that I will again be able to celebrate my dad's life, that I will remember the sweet memories. As it gets closer to the day, my brain keeps reliving the hospital and days after. I'm not trying to wallow in it...it's just there. I just need prayer.