Since I made it so clear to a lot of people a while back about a certain subject, I thought I needed to explain the outcome. Hopefully the next statement won't hurt my sister in law's feelings...When I heard that her dad was engaged only after a short time since her mom passed away, it floored me. Not so much their situation. After all, he's a man and I could list a lot of other reasons that I accepted it most of which being that Heather was ok with it. "I just want him to be happy" she said. So my brain starts thinking...what if my mom were to start to date. I would not be ok with that. That is the public statement I made to quite a few people. I wasn't shouting it off rooftops or anything, but when people asked I told them straight up! At that moment, I finally understood some things that my cousin Holli said not long after her dad passed away. People would say to me things like your mom deserves to be happy or you don't want her to be lonely, do you? For me, in my time of still such open wounded grief, I couldn't think about my mom. Yes, I want her to be happy and no I don't want her to be lonely. But in my mind saying it was ok, was a feeling of betrayal to my dad. It was saying to a 20something single girl that some man is gonna try to take your dad's place. Get the picture? I was being selfish. I knew it. I called it for what it was, but I still wasn't ready! I talked to my Aunt Susie about the situation. I asked her if she would ever date again and under what circumstances. I talked to my cousin Whitney about how and when she finally accepted that it would be ok for her mom to see someone. They both made valid points, but their timelines were so different from mine. My wounds are still a little open...healing, but open. Everytime I turn around I see another opportunity where I need a strong, godly man that I can ask for guidance and love. There are things that I've made decisions about in my life that I think, I wish I had my dad's leadership or my husband's leadership to look to for this! (I've even gone as far as to say that I won't have any problem submitting to my husband when it comes to making decisions...hopefully that statement won't come back to bite me in the butt!) Anyways, it's been tough.
It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I had my "aha" moment. I have been so incredibly busy lately as you can tell in my last posts. There's so much other stuff that you don't see too. So I rarely have time to be lonely. I spoke too soon. I was laying in my bed having my quiet time with God. I was reading a devotional and trying to pay attention. However, my house was so quiet. You know that quiet where you think you can hear ringing in your ears bc there's no sound coming from anywhere else? ( I realize some moms with elementary children are cursing me right now, I have no idea what quiet sounds like.) That quiet to me was painful. I have over 1000 friends on facebook. I have over 500 email addresses. I have over 400 contacts in my phone. But my phone was not ringing, no text messages were being sent, no facebook notifications were popping up. It was just quiet. In that moment, I felt true loneliness. I cried out to God asking Him to show me His love right then. I knew Satan was attacking me at that very moment of having my quiet time, but I didn't know why. Until I started to pray for my future husband. I prayed that God would bring him into my life. I prayed that God would prepare his heart for me and mine for him. I prayed and asked God to never let me feel such deep loneliness again. At that moment, He gave me a picture of my mom! (I don't know if she's lonely or not, but it was a lesson for me.) I asked forgiveness for being selfish. I told Him I would be okay if she started dating again because I knew He would help me be okay. I knew at that very moment...that I never wanted my dear Mom to feel lonely like I had just felt! Whew.