Fear is a technique the ememy loves to use. Just think about it. How many times have you backed away from witnessing to someone, or changing jobs, or moving, or making big life decisions because of fear. We fear the unknown. We fear the unknown outcome, whether good or bad. I havent really blogged about my feelings lately. I guess I've been too busy trying to supress them for FEAR that letting them out again will just bring on another cycle of pain. So today I am going to talk about my fears in hopes of helping someone else and maybe myself. I got upset at church about 2 weeks ago because someone asked me if "it" was getting easier. I told her no and started crying and had to walk away. I don't think things will ever be "easy" or "better" or "okay". I will always have the loss of my dad floating around in my heart and in my head. The truth of the matter is that I am doing a little better. I still cry, but not as often and not as hard. But my fear was that in admitting that I was doing a little better that I was somehow forgetting my dad or was getting over his death which in my brain meant it didnt matter anymore. It does matter. It will always matter. I can't pass a VPD without thinking about him. Everyday my mom walks in my house, I think about how he should be here. I think God is just giving me the grace to deal with it now. That same woman's husband told me this week that I seemed happy and they were thankful for that. I ofcourse started crying as I tried to admit to him and myself that I am happy. I am living my life for the only man in my life, God. I've come to the realization that this is my life. I can't change it. I can only make best of what's left of it. I just wish people understood that I miss him and sometimes thats gonna make me sad.
This would be the week that he would sit out at Valdosta High School for Winnersville week. He would always ask me what the membership number to the video store was so he could go rent some movies to occupy his time. (He never could remember that number) He would sleep during the day. I would always be cautious not to wake him if I came over to the house. He would go out to the highschool and sit in his car from 10pm to 6am making sure none of the town rivals would come damage the property. Then after it was all said and done, the family would get to here all the stories of the not so smart kids he scared away from the school and the few smart kids who waited for him to leave before they did something. PS, it made me want to cry when I found out that students had graffitied it this week.
So back to my fear. My best friends dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer a couple of weeks ago. It was a tremendous blow when I found out. I immediately went into preservation mode. I wouldnt allow myself to think about the what ifs. I knew I needed to be strong for my best friend. I just kept telling myself he will survive this, he has to survive this, and then ultimately telling God that He couldnt take her daddy. (now I know God can do whatever He wants, but this was my emotional rationalization with God at the time) Praise the Lord, her dad's cancer has not spread anywhere else and he has a great surgeon. I also know who the Great Physician is! I just mention this because I would like all my readers to pray for him and his family.
Yesterday I found out about a girl I went to high school with having breast cancer. She is my age with 2 children under 3. In talking with another friend about this girl she said the girl was scared about who would raise her children and ect. I just thought to myself she should just treasure every second she has with them and not allow herself to go to the fears of the what ifs. (Yall can pray for her too) I wish I had had the chance to enjoy every last moment with my dad. I wish I couldve taken one more picture or hugged him one more time. But I didnt get that chance and so now I am trying to take each day like it is truly a gift and I'm trying to not let my fears get the best of me. It has been 6 months today. I kept myself busy with work and tried to get myself a ticket to the game tonight, but that didnt pan out. I wouldnt say this day has been the greatest for my emotions, but I am surviving and I guess that's all that matters.


The Passing Lane said...

I love you!!

KateVonGlahn said...

Fear is my big ticket thing that he always gets me on. It's tough. I'm with you!