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THE WAVE OF EMOTIONS

So obviously I rarely write about my feelings anymore. I just try not to have them, feelings that is. I am trying to continue living my life. But if you say my dad's name or anything about him, I will cry. It's just something I have learned to accept. (and hope that other's will too) I will always miss my dad. I miss being able to play cards after Sunday lunch. Dad was always up for a challenge and Aunt Susie is usually up for whatever anyone wants to do. It might seem like a trivial thing, but it was our chance to talk and spend time together. I loved calling dad at work to ask him about trivial things. They were things I didnt have the answer for and I knew he would. Even if he was busy or tired he would always stop to listen. My friend Kathi had a star named after dad and gave me a charm with his name and the location of the star engraved on it. If you look on the constellation map, the star is in "Big Bear". I laughed through my tears when I read it. He was my big teddy bear. Don't get me wrong, he had his moments. He had a temper at times and could get quite anger whenever I disobeyed him or something at work wasnt how it should be. But for the most part, my dad was my big teddy bear...he could hug me like no one could, he could joke with me and threaten me (usually about paying for my car) but I always knew my dad was my protector. He loved me and supported me. He always told me growing up that my brother and I would never go without something (within reason-like a church ski trip or various camps) because of money. He worked extra security jobs so we could do those things. He even had a separate banking account for our Christmas money. He and I would go shopping together for my mom and sister in laws presents, although he did most of the picking out stuff. He had a special time set aside to go to Aunt Susie's house and she would wrap our presents as he would write out the to and from stickers. I thought it was cute that he would put from Santa on some of my presents and from mom & dad on the others. Dad used to tell me that if I didnt make a list to Santa that I would not get any presents. I would make him a list and always go to Steel's and make a wish list. He would usually buy everything on it! He used to be so proud of how Susan would help him and make sure he had everything he needed. He even bought his clerks earrings from there for Christmas last year. I am sad for Ella Grace and Emma. I think he wouldve been for them what he was for me. He was so elated when he found out he was going to be a Papa. He told everyone at his office. Then when he found out it was twin girls he got 2 pink frosted doughnuts put on top of the usual order and wrote on the box that it signified the sex of his soon to be grandchildren. (He ordered doughnuts for his staff every Friday) He wore a pink Polo on the day they were born. He would go see them a lot and loved getting sugar from them. I think last Christmas he bought out the children's store in Lake Park. I hope to tell them all these stories some day.
Wow, I really miss him. I will always have a hole in my heart with his name on it. That hole is where he would constantly restock his love each time I saw or talked to him. I am lonely. I guess I never realized how much his love made me feel special and wanted. I know God loves me unconditionally and He can fill my void. I just figured I would always have my daddy as the earthly man in my life until God saw fit to give me a husband. Right now I have neither and am having a small pity party. (I admitted it was a pity party, so no comments about that)
I finally decided to implement more discipline in my life. It's a spiritual lesson I struggle with. I thought I'd start out with the area I have the most trouble with: exercising! My friend Kari Anne and I have gone to the track at 6am every day this week. She's running, I'm walking. However, I am moving. I am determined to lose weight and feel better about myself. I am still not a morning person. In fact, when I get home from working out, I get back in the bed until I have to get up. One of the perks of owning your own business is making your own hours!! So I guess I told you all that so that hopefully one of you reading, would GENTLY hold me accountable.
That's about all I have to say. If you just want to look on my blog for pictures, that's fine. However, if you do care about "how I'm doing" then you will read the posts that have no pictures. I'm fine with it either way.
Love to you all!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You go girl. You should talk to Angel, or have you? Better than going to the track at 5 am or 6. She's on her third series of Leslie Sansone walking tapes. Havent you noticed she's lost over 43 pounds? All by walking, stepping, moving, stretching.....BUT, she does it EVERYDAY. I am so proud of her. Give her a call. Good luck on your quest to better health and a new look!! luv ya Grammy

Hannah Hoffmann said...

So proud of you, Heather! And I love, love, love the memories of your dad. I feel like I know him better from all your memories than I ever have.

Kristy said...

Heather, I miss your dad too. I have a picture of him on the fridge and say hey to him everyday. I think its good to think about all the times you used to spend together. Remembering how much he loved you can get you through anything. Remembering is good. And so is crying. There might come a day when the tears slow down a bit....just know that it doesn't mean you have forgotten him. You would just be healing a bit more. You have come so far and it is incredible to watch. Reading your post made me feel so lucky that last Christmas your dad suckered me into staying and helping wrap all of ya'lls presents. Glad I did! I love you so much and am so proud of how far you have come. You may feel like you haven't budged, but I can see healing, and I can see your obedience to God and it's inspiring. I have been praying for you and will continue. And if you ever need a partner if Kerri Anne can't do it....I may be able to get up early just for you! (Maybe! hahah)Love you and see you on Sunday!

The Passing Lane said...

You rock!! No way could I be at the track at 6am. So proud of you and how far you've come...you are so amazing!!

KateVonGlahn said...

I'm proud of you. I agree with Hannah. I love to hear all of the memories of your daddy.

Leslie said...

Way to go Heather! I am so proud of you for starting the walking. I wish I had your discipline. I have never been a bog fan of exercise (obviously). I can across a pic of us from the youthgroup days, we are in your living room, and I was so sad when I saw how skinny I was. :-( I need to scan that pic in and send it to you. I know I could use it for motivation. I hope you have a great weekend!
Love ya!

DOJ Momma said...

I love the pictures don't get me wrong, but I think that the beauty of your blog is your real, honest entries that bear your soul.

I'm also not a morning person, but morning exercise is the best. I'm proud of you and jealous. You may inspire me to get back on the wagon.

Amanda said...

Hey girl...I'm so proud of you! Keep it up and also never apologize for putting your emotions out there! No one expects you to be heald (not sure you ever will be, but each day well hopefully be a little better than the last!) Keep up the hard work and it will pay off!
Love you