Its been 5 months today. It's getting more real that he's gone and everything as I knew it has changed. I guess the business of it all has kept me a little sane lately. I understand why people keep themselves busy after bad stuff happens...it helps you not feel it. I've had a few major breakdowns lately and I definitely miss him daily, but dare I say I think I am getting better. Wait, before you say hooray...I didnt say I was better, but that I think I am getting better. We have been so busy packing up the stuff at Iola that I really havent had time to understand all my feelings about all the changes. Let alone the fact that there has been so much awfulness going around that I dont feel like I can be sad for myself. I had a good friend have a miscarriage, a friend in the hospital with cancer, a woman at church talked about the possiblity of losing her foot, a marriage ending in divorce, and another friend who's going through a wild hair and has left her Christian husband. (Please pray for all these situations) It just makes me hate this world even more so and want to leave it even quicker. I tried to talk to my friend who had the miscarriage about God. I know she is a Christian. I just didnt want her to walk away from God because of the situation. She told me I sounded like I was being judgemental. That was a blow! My faith has definitely strengthened since I lost my dad. I will be the first to admit that I havent lived a perfect life and that I still make mistakes. I just am SO SICK of this world and its cruelties that I know as man, we brought on ourselves. I just want everyone I love to be with our Lord and be in a world where there is no darkness, sin has no power, and death has no sting.
I had to work at Spice of Life yesterday which is the grill at the hospital. I dreaded going there. It was the first time I had been back to the hospital. I cried the night before and the morning of...not wanting to face my nightmares. However, I was so busy while I was there, I didnt really have a chance to think about all the horrors that place holds. I thought about the fact that if I smiled and said Have a nice day to every person I came in contact with that day, maybe I would help someone that was having a bad day. I also secretly thought to myself that I only have to work one more time in October and 2 times in November and then I would be done until the following fall.
So 5 months later, here I am. Just as honest and real with you as I was before. I still hurt and miss my dad. I just know that each day the pain gets a little better. Thank you to all my friends who have stood by me and put up with me and loved me more than I deserve. I love you all.
I really think about these words a lot more seriously now than I ever did:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.