Ok, here it is for all the world to read, judge, call me crazy and hopefully some will sympathize with me! I am not decorating my house for Christmas this year. (I'm already getting teary.) Thanksgiving was hard. I actually woke up crying that morning. So for those of you who think I am choosing to be sad, there is proof. You have to have time to think in order to choose to be sad and I didn't even get a chance. I tried so hard all day to enjoy my family and be thankful for the ones that were there. However, like I've said in the past, my dad was a HUGE part of the Holidays. It was so weird cooking food knowing mine wouldn't ever be as good as his. It was not as fun playing cards, even though I am the reigning Rigsby Phase 10 Champion. (a title my Uncle Scott gave me and is supposedly making me a trophy for) It was hard hugging my extended family and not being able to just cry and get mad and say I want my Daddy back! (to my family-please know I love you and do treasure all the love you gave and give me! It was just a hard day) Some of you are probably saying who cares if you decorate your house for Christmas. While I hear a resounding noise from the other crowd saying that's not what he would want and you have to move on. Well this is how it is. It was all I could do to decorate my office for Christmas. I felt I had to because of my business partner and for my clients. It doesn't excite me every morning or afternoon as the case may be when I come into work and see my decorations. Honestly it doesn't make me sad or happy. I am just ambivalent. I need to do what I feel is best for me. I would love more than anything to just run away to an exotic island, but I know I would have to come back. There's always reality to keep me grounded. I have enjoyed looking at other's Christmas decorations and going to parties, but I just can't have the one place, my sanctuary to feel whatever I want, to be a constant reminder that he isn't going to be here and everything has to be different. Please don't try to convince me otherwise unless you have a really good argument. I have battled this decision since Thanksgiving. I know the real meaning of Christmas. I know I am celebrating the birthday of my King and Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that He has something in store for me. I am going to take the cards He's dealt me and roll with them. I have survived these last 8 months and will continue doing so! Thank you to all who have prayed for me and loved me even more so than I have deserved these past 8 months.


DOJ Momma said...

I'm proud of you! You owe an explaination to nobody. You are free to handle the holidays however you feel that you need to. You are only in control of you, and you only have to answer to yourself and God. I don't really think that He will care if you don't buy into the commercialism of Christmas.

I think that you are doing wonderfully well. You are being very real with yourself and others. I know that your Dad would be proud.

It does get easier!

The Passing Lane said...

Sending you bigs hugs and lots of love! I miss seeing you!