I had to go to my parents house last night(and this morning) to take care of the dog while mom was at Lake Blackshear. It was just as awful as I imagined it would be. All the lights were out and there was a deafening quiet. You have to understand that since I bought my house, I had a tendency to pop into mom and dad's at 9,10 or, 11pm. Now, some nights this annoyed my dad. Others I think he was glad to see me. He was probably glad to see me everytime, but usually tired on the annoyed nights. The tv would be blaring(usually being flipped between the food network and cbs,nbc, or abc.) He would be sitting in his recliner with Bo right beside him. I would sit on the couch and wait for a commercial to chat about usually nothing in particular. God, I miss talking to him!! Even when dad was out out of town, mom would be at the house and there were lights and noise. So to see it like I did last night just made it all the more real that he was gone. I called Allison to talk to me while I was there. One of the things she said made me thankful for God's timing. She said she was thinking about it and glad that I had already moved out when he passed away. Some nights I wish I had been there. And others I realize God was enabling me to be a grownup while my dad was still around to watch over me. God spared me from seeing my dad having the stroke. There are many times I cry for my mom and my brother for what they had to see. I feel surrounded with metaphors. For instance, the empty house is like my empty heart. I miss him so much. I miss the man that he was and the person he was teaching me to be. I realized its not the four walls of a house that make it a home, but the people who live in it. In some ways, I was blessed to live in the same house for 24 years, to be so stable and safe. Other times I wish we had moved around so that it wouldnt be so hard now. I have so many wonderful memories there. I am still trying to deal with selling the house. I don't know if I can handle having another thing to be sad about. I'm probably just sad and overly sensitive. I'm so tired of having no control. My life has been forever changed by something I had absolutely no control over. I think this is where Christians start to ask the question why do bad things happen to good people. (another Beth Moore book Ive been meaning to read) I guess I just need to pray God will give me strength for today because looking ahead isnt really getting me anywhere.

1 comment:

KateVonGlahn said...

Hang in there. You're gonna make it girl.