I have been sad/mad for the last couple of days. I don't think I am going through the mad phase. However, I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I cry as I feel the anger arise. I am mad that my dad is gone. I am mad that he will never get to walk me down the aisle...or for that matter that my future husband(whoever he may be) will never get to ask him for my hand in marriage. I am mad that my future husband will never know what a great man my father was. I am mad that my dad and I will never get to dance together. I am mad that my children will never know their Papa. I am mad that I cry and feel weak. I am mad that people want me to be okay when I am freakin not okay. I am mad that my dad is not here to protect me anymore. I am mad that I will never get to see him again or hug him again or hear him laugh or play with the girls or even hear him get upset or tell his opinions again. I am mad that the community of Valdosta lost a brave man who fought so diligently to make it better. I am mad that the man who would slave over the stove and oven to cook for holidays and insisted on doing all the shopping for Christmas, even though his chest and legs were hurting and his face was sweating profusely, is not here anymore. I am mad that my family has to make all these decisions now. I am mad that my mom is having to go through with this. I am mad because even though I know and understand that it's God's timing and reasoning and not our own, that I feel robbed. I am mad that the person on this earth who was filling the void of not having a husband is gone, now my hole is even bigger. I am mad that this blog is the only selfishness I get to have. I want to stay in bed for a few days without question. I am mad that I am being selfish at all when other people are hurting too. I am mad that I begged my dad for years to quit smoking and I wonder if the drug (to quit smoking) he was on had anything to do with his stroke. I am mad that I wasted that time with him by arguing with him over a habit he had for 30 years. I am mad because on the 10th of every month I get hit with the rememberance of my dad's passing. I am mad because I can't phathom a life without my daddy in it. I am mad that my dad will never live on this earth again.
Wow, all of that in one foul swoop. Now, for those of you who are going to comment and say..."but think of all the great times you did have with your dad"...I don't want to here it. This is me expressing the raunchiness(if that's even a word or how you spell it) of my heart. I know I lived a great life with my dad. I know that I was lucky, no, blessed to have William Maloy Butler, as my father. I am happy he got to see me be successful with my career and business. I am happy he got to share in my happiness over buying my first home. I just miss my dad and needed to get that all out. I am sure I will continue to have these feelings. If I've learned one thing, it's that expressing them doesn't necessarily make them go away. I am trying to deal with them the best way I know how. I am praying. I am talking to God. I am medicated and I think that is okay for a time period. I am typing to you faithful readers(it does make me mad or aggravated that people ask how i am and act concerned, but wont read my blog). ok enough of this madness. (ha, i just made myself smirk) I am going to bed. I am praying that tomorrow, I will not be so mad.


Kristy said...

I love you.

The Passing Lane said...

You have been on my heart...I love you!